Jokes I've Written

Last Tuesday, President Bush appointed former New York Federal Judge Michael Mukasey as his new attorney general. Mukasey comes to Capitol Hill with a reputation of conservatism on national security issues. In short, that means no more Mexicans.

Apple has announced plans to expand their business into automobiles. The iCar will run on iGas which will be sold to Americans by iRanians and iRaqis.

Last week, a student was tasered at a John Kerry speech for not cooperating with police officials. The student’s flipping and flopping on the floor was reminiscent of Kerry’s 2004 presidential run.

OJ Simpson’s back in the news. OJ was arrested for stealing his own autograph at an exhibit in Las Vegas. OJ claimed, “If the signature has been writ, I’m gonna steal that shit.”

The Phoenix Mercury of the Women’s Basketball Association won their championship last week. A Mercury spokesperson was impressed with the final game’s turnout- she said that the team doubled their attendance from 3 lesbians to 6.

Claims about housing discrimination continue. In a related story, Black people are running out of things to complain about.

Che Guevera is still revered 40 years after his death. It’s cool that he’s remembered for what he did best: Having his face plastered across every self righteous person’s chest in America.

A high number of adoptions are coming from Guatemala. I don’t know about you, but I think that that is the cutest method of drug trafficking ever.

A Guatemalan presidential candidate whose platform rested on his anti-poverty stance won his country’s election last weekend. His opponent commented, saying, “Great. And I thought all the people here would love my pro-poverty position.”

Condoleeza Rice announced that “We need to create a new Palestine.” Condoleeza then reportedly sat down at her computer and created one on Sim Cities. The Bush administration called it an overwhelming success.

Recently researchers linked a lack of sleep to childhood obesity. The researchers added that when the kids aren’t sleeping they probably shouldn’t stay up late eating chicken nuggets.