I Am A Winner.

In a society that is notorious for it's obsession with success, and is more famous for it's defeats, there are some ways to easily identify who the winners are as opposed to America's plentiful array of losers. A few simple ways to distinguish between winner and loser include: The top 8 on various friend networking websites, income levels, and the dreaded push up competition in Physical Education classes which separate the beautiful people from the fatties/ weaklings. The three aforementioned scenarios clearly distinguish between winners and losers in every way. However, nothing shows who the real winners/ losers are in a more effective and simple fashion than the college admissions process.


Ok. You grow up. Life is hard. Boo hoo. Toughen up, babies. By the time you reach seventeen, your nebbish educators are all up in your George Foreman (slang for "grill") about your precious admission into a university. The parents start looking at their little winner/loser with fear in their eyes. "What if my little fatty can't produce and maintain a comfortable enough income for me to have a ridiculously lush life after 65?" Mom and dad scramble. Mom and dad begin signing you up for SAT practice courses and for other various procedures that will ensure little fatty's entrance into a university. And think. This is every little fatty the United States of America has to offer. The competition is as steep as a large ice cream cone. Now little fatty has to succeed for his/her teachers, mom, dad and beat all of the other little fatties. How does one fatty do this?


Well, quite easily. All one has to do is waste their fruitful years of youth cramming for standardized tests that will, if anything, lessen your brain power. The one exam that ultimately determines if you're Harvard material or bound for Massage College is the SAT. Four hours of standardized testing that will ultimately end up deciding your fate. If you do really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, well, congratulations. You sir or madam- you are a bona fide winner. Now you can go get high and relax until you go to the university and the studying cycle begins again. But congratulations on the drug habit. If you do moderately well on the SAT, you will have to fight for your entrance into college. Fatties scraping for that last piece of scholarship pie. This means writing plenty of online essays that begin with, "I'd like to change the world because..." because there's no way your parents are paying for their moderately successful fatty's tuition. These people make up most of America- the wosers. We're talking Middle America here, babies. The losers who are almost winners. When their senior year of high school rolls around, it's time to apply to a number of woser universities (ASU, U of A, NAU to name a prestigious few). Write more essays. As for the losers- they'll go to community college.


This process is ridiculous. A four hour test that tells you if you are a winner or loser almost immediately? Why can't this be done immediately? To solve this epidemic, I propose that the college admissions process become a beauty contest. Each student shall enter a room in their sexiest attire (fatties and weaklings must cover up) and the administrators will pick their incoming freshmen based solely on their beauty (sorry fatties/ weaklings/ uglies- skin deep beauty does not count). This way students can spend their fruitful years of youth not with their heads in textbooks, but in toilets. Further, we all know that the beautiful people are the winners. I have never seen an ugly person win the Miss America Pageant. College admissions should not be based on academia. Fatties and weaklings and uglies (or a combination of the three) must not get into good schools, they're not winners. Also, if there is a tie between the beautiful people (winners) into getting into the university, the ultimate decider must be a push up contest. If there is still no apparent winner, the university will call up Simon Cowell and he will personally judge them. In the event of another tie, Donald Trump will be sent in to evaluate and/ or fire them. If Trump fails, the university will send in Jeff Probst to communicate that the tribe has spoken. Once the winners are chosen, it will become apparent that the winners (the beautiful people) go to the good university. As for the wosers and losers, well, who cares about those fatties anyway? They're not sexy.